[for those people asking for darker timeline gta raychael]

they’ve been fooling around for a few months when, inevitably, it comes up. michael likes to think it’s a normal enough conversation between guys, whether or not they’re actually fucking each other. boys will be boys, after all.

“i was seventeen, my first time,” michael offers. they’re sitting side-by-side on michael’s small, shitty couch playing video games in michael’s small, shitty apartment in liberty city, the only thing he can really afford on his own. for now.

(for now, meaning michael’s got plans. plans that include packing a bag, and stealing a car, and traveling to the west coast, and ray. always ray.)

“i was seventeen,” michael says, “and he was loud. those late-night shows don’t prepare you for how fucking obnoxiously loud some people are, you know? and we were behind the chemistry building, wasn’t even dark yet, like we could’ve gotten caught and he was basically screaming. and you wouldn’t’ve guessed it by looking at him. he was this big, tough, macho jock. dude probably would’ve given me shit in school, except–”

“except he could tell,” ray puts in without looking away from the television, like he knows from experience. “people in school can always tell.”

michael grins. “that one little detail. like i ever tried to fucking hide what i liked.”

“assholes either give you shit twice as hard or totally avoid you. like it’s something you can catch if you get too close,” ray snorts.

michael laughs, sing-songs, “circle-circle, dot-dot, now i have my cootie shot–”

“i was fourteen.”

michael throws his controller down. “bullshit,” he says, delighted. “really? ray’s a fucking baller?”

“i mean,” ray allows, “i didn’t totally know what the fuck i was doing. brought him up to the roof of that building by the middle school, ‘cause i knew we could be alone there.”


ray’s grin is a mouthful of broken glass, of little knives hidden in secret places. “and then i pushed him off.”

somebody told michael once that you never forget your first time. (maybe it was ray.) and he hasn’t, couldn’t tell you the name of that kid from high school but remembers the way he screamed, remembers the give of his skin as michael dragged a knife across his throat like a bow across the strings of some kid’s violin in orchestra class, because he’d read somewhere that doing it that way was supposed to make the whole process silent.

he’d had a lot to learn back then.

and so he hasn’t forgotten his first time, but they’ve gone through so many people, him and ray, that it’s impossible to keep track now. and they’ve worked flawlessly together from the beginning, breathe in tandem, his sense of spatial awareness starting and ending with ray, then and now and until they kick it doing something stupid and reckless for not enough cash.

they’re so enmeshed into one another’s spaces that people call them a redundancy, a tautology, but ray’s never been anything but vital to him, the cool quiet to soothe his fire, to pull him back away from the brink–and so it’s funny, it really fucking is, that ray’s first time ended with a push.

“gravity basically does the work for you there, though, right?” michael says, just to watch a flicker of a scowl flash across ray’s face, anger always easy to miss in him if you don’t know what you’re looking for. “i mean, that’s pretty much just third base.”

“doesn’t make you any less dead,” ray says, and michael lives for this, the moments where ray looks like he can’t decide whether he wants to kill michael or kiss him or neither. the moments where michael can’t decide whether he wants ray to kiss him or kill him or both. 

boys will be boys.

(michael’s got plans. life or death, they’re always going to include ray.)


Hey Nick, I know I’m late to the party, but I’ve recently gotten into Mavin but the tag on ao3 is HUGE and I’ll never find anything. Any recs?




also @whalehuntingboyfriends has some amazing mavin fics iirc

hey I love your makeup in ur ‘help nick afford top surgery’ post, I was wondering how you do it? it looks so incredible <3

thank you anon!! if i remember correctly in that pic i used thebalm’s time balm foundation (which is nice but doesn’t suit me as well in the winter when my skin is drier; i’ve moved on to bb cushions now), which i just applied with the applicator it came with, and thebalm’s concealer (i bought both of these when there was a really nice sale going on at one point. like i think they were half off). i also used nyx’s wicked lipstick in sinful (i have several other of the wicked shades and they’re all GORGEOUS), which i put on after a layer of lip balm (maybelline baby lips for life) that i blotted off after a few minutes. for my eyes i lined my waterline with a kohl eyeliner (mine’s l’oreal voluminous smoldering eyeliner  – which isn’t waterproof but i like the fading and smudging i get as the day wears on with it). and then i just used a clear mascara on my lashes and brows

Help Nick Afford Top Surgery


I decided to make a new post about this since the old one has lost traction but

I’m a physically disabled and mentally ill agender trans person trying to raise funds so I can have top surgery. Because of my health problems I’m currently unemployed and cannot possibly raise enough money on my own.

I’m incredibly dysphoric about my chest, enough that I’ve been suicidal about it, and binding doesn’t help me (and is uncomfortable to nearly impossible because of my health problems). Having top surgery would greatly improve my quality of life and remove the source of the worst of my dysphoria.

Currently I’m trying to switch my health insurance to something that will cover the majority of the costs of top surgery but it’s been incredibly slow and difficult to start this process (thanks to my current health insurance).

I am hopeful that I will be able to raise the money for and have top surgery before I move out of Massachusetts in September, since Massachusetts health insurance is more likely to cover it than many other states.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Help Nick Afford Top Surgery