i love all the headcanons with ryan with dyed hair (usually from blonde to black) especially because i get a lot of joy in considering that ryan probably does his first couple dye jobs himself and it goes horrifically

and so maybe after a heist everybody’s split up looking for places to hide because the streets are crawling with cops, and ryan ducks into a random building and comes face to face with a tiny, annoyed looking girl with her hands on her hips who doesn’t care that she’s standing in front of a huge, menacing, blood-spattered dude wearing a skull mask, and she’s like, “if you’re not here for business, you gotta get out.”

and ryan’s like, “look, i just need to hang here for a few minutes–”

“if you’re not buying anything, you better get out of my salon.”

and finally ryan sighs heavily through his nose and pulls his skull mask off to try to reason with the girl, except the girl takes one look at his shitty dye job and split ends and blood matted hair and is like, “what the fuck did you do to yourself”

and now ryan’s sort of sheepish, “it’s not– c’mon, it’s not that bad–” except the girl is already shepherding him into a chair and pulling a brush through his hair.

poor ryan is wincing and flinching and swearing until the girl snaps, “stop being a baby,” and he huffs but obediently stays still, and his scalp hurts like a mf once she’s done but he allows her to lead him to a shampooing station and she’s massaging his scalp and, well. actually, this is kind of nice.

the others in the crew finally manage to track him down and burst into the salon to find ryan with foil in his hair chatting idly with the girl and ryan has zero shame.

his hair looks amazing when it’s done, for the record


rating: T for nonexplicit violence and temporary character death
relationship: jeremwood
words: 1144

Jeremy was gone.

Ryan trudged into the penthouse behind the others, feet carrying him automatically past them all. Someone tried to reach out to him, but he flinched away and kept walking. His mask fell from his numb fingers and he left it where it landed.

They didn’t even have a body to bury; he’d been burned away completely. There hadn’t even been ash.

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geoff who grew up poor and shitty and learned to take care of himself and pack his own lunches from a young age and grew up on canned food and ramen but when he got out of there he learned to cook Right because he had a sister (jack) to care for now, so he researches and borrows cookbooks from the library and prints out easy recipes he thinks she’ll eat and collects them all in a big, ratty binder and even when they’re rich and famous and geoff could cook any fancy meal they want, on bad days jack always asks for something that he cooked when they were younger bcos it’s home to her

it’s nearly 2am and i have therapy tomorrow so i should be sleeping but oh well

like, i think it’s fairly accepted across the board that none of the fakes had good childhoods. what that means exactly differs by each author, but you don’t end often up in a profession like theirs if you have a stable childhood.

and like, you can so easily write a lot of food insecurity into jack’s childhood. growing up without easy access to fresh, good-quality food means that you don’t really develop the taste or stomach for it, which can persist far into adulthood. so the aversion to vegetables? the inability to cook anything that didn’t come from a can? it’s easy to take those weird tics and give them a darker edge in a fahc verse. jack is probably the kind of person who on bad days gravitates towards childhood comfort foods like vienna sausages and instant mashed potatoes instead of rich, homecooked food. she and geoff probably got sick the first time the two of them made a haul from a job and decided to treat themselves to a fancy steak at an expensive restaurant downtown. even now, with the glitz of a penthouse suite in the most expensive building in the city, she probably has a hidden stash of shitty junk food just in case

benevolence-verse crew doesn’t have a swanky, expensive penthouse overlooking the entire city. they have a respectable set of apartments downtown – still expensive, because downtown areas always are, but they don’t like being too far away from the thick of things. sure, they have an elaborate system of safehouses (that they let ppl who need a place to sleep borrow when they’re not in use), but those don’t make a home. so they buy a couple first-floor apartments all next to each other in a decent bit of town, somewhere where no one would ever ask questions about the number of people coming and going, and by then everyone knows the fakes anyway. the place isn’t perfect, and the building manager is often unreachable so ryan and michael and jack are the ones who end up patching up the other tenants’ places when something goes wrong, but it’s their home, and they’ll protect the rest of the building just like their neighbors will protect the fakes.

the official and definitive list of the fahc’s cooking skills:

geoff: enjoys cooking a lot, but more than that, is good at it. cooks dinner most nights because he likes the routine of it, and also he knows that half of them would resort to junk food if he wasn’t around with fresh vegetables. does most of the grocery shopping too (or, at least, writes up the list and then delegates it to someone else when he’s too busy to make the trip himself)

jack: Grill Mom. not fantastic in the kitchen otherwise, though. makes sure to pack “lunches” consisting of granola bars for heists, because she knows how they can all get.

ryan: can make enchiladas but, somehow, very little else. refuses to actually make enchiladas for the others, but swears he knows how. one day they’ll make him cook for them.

michael: rarely cooks himself, mostly because having multiple others in the house who can means he doesn’t need to, but will pester the others to make sure they’ve all eaten. brings in snacks and donuts and coffee when he comes back from his morning run.

jeremy: cooks breakfasts, especially on heist days, because he’s great at making healthy + filling + protein-filled breakfasts since they’ll probably be outrunning cops later. enjoys baking too but does it more rarely, since thanks to michael there’s always something sweet around to snack on.

gavin: can be trusted with the electric kettle to make tea, and nothing else.


Alright so I’ve been thinking right

the criminal masterminds heists are the whole “one person gets killed, it’s all over” type deal so there’s definitely more pressure to survive

And obviously that’s closer to how non immortal fahc would be anyway ofc so people are looking at this series and thinking that this would be how they’d act in a real heist

Which yeah totally I can understand that

But there’s a lot of people saying that bc Gavin and Jeremy are always trying to be in the less dangerous positions, they’re afraid to die in fahc au

And okay sure I’m sure a part of that plays into it to some degree (tho I have a whole thing on Gavin and his own sense of mortality but that’s neither here nor there right now)

But you cannot look me in the eye and tell me that’s how Jeremy would act

Because the whole reason he’s “afraid to die” in criminal masterminds is because he totally expects SOMEBODY to die and fuck it up like that’s essentially a definite in his mind and he’s terrified that it’s going to be him because he doesn’t want to disappoint everybody and he sure as hell doesn’t want to disappoint himself

He doesn’t want to be the reason everything goes wrong

Which is most certainly NOT how fahc Jeremy would see things because there would be no “oh if I fuck this up we’re all fucked so it’s better if I stay out of it”

You can’t tell me that Jeremy wouldn’t be trying his fucking hardest to make sure things go right BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

He would ABSOLUTELY be going fucking hard to accomplish this shit and make sure everybody got out safe

He wouldn’t be afraid to die and fuck things up

He’d be afraid he’d fuck things up and somebody else would die